Finally, another oblivious thought! Is it really passion that reels me into what i’m doing? Or is it pride, playing with my devils, telling me that if i forestall my path, these portals will never be open again.
I can’t be an opportunist, as i rather procrastinate when i see chances. I’m so in debt of myself, that even i can’t manage to see what lies ahead of my vision, ambition and my undying thirst for nothing.
For preliminaries, I sometimes think of changing careers. To an aviator, To earn my wings and fly. But those wings are rather expensive, i cannot afford them. To be honest, It’s probably just another episode of mid-life crisis, vexing me for quite a while now. I even considered joining the militia, to earn my unscathed unreachable wings. But that will take me forever to achieve. And i’m not getting younger.
I sometimes play on the thought that if you die, you’ll be reborn. Just like reincarnation, but what i don’t like is that you’ll lose all your memories and consciousness of this current life. I don’t want that. However, I still sometimes dabble on death.
Me thinks it’s the most permanent answer to all. Death and nothingness.
I told you that i want to feel alive. Maybe i’m already dead. And all of these are flashbacks that is playing. Call it near death phase, where everything is a vague memory.
And in my Real life, i did exactly what i do right now.
With that, Maybe i could change the rules a little. Now that i know the thing that excites me most is seeing everything from above. I could do a little tweak on this, even if it’s just a flashback. Maybe this time i could twist it, this time i’m not the pariah of this world.
Or in lieu, i could end it by wrapping my wrist with red ribbons. Then these second visions are done. And i’ll probably go to the void, or you know, start another one. Maybe on another universe, another consciousness, or other lifetime. Where laws of physics don’t apply, or the definition of good and evil are mixed up, or where emotions don’t exist.
What’s frightening is that, maybe i am right. And i’m wasting my time here. Maybe i could press reset and we’re square.
sometimes maybe it’s alright to concede. Fight another round. lose today, win tomorrow.
And i really want to call it. If it’s not for You.
If only.
if it’s not for You.
BoyKulot 